who am I?

It was a weird day.
A lot of singing, a lot of thinking and a lot of wine involved.
Do I have to have a reason to get drunk by noon - no. But I did have one today.
Finally - after weeks and months of utter misery I finished my MA thesis. Today was the first one after really long time when I could actually free my mind and do whatever I wanted.
I woke up, drank a cup of coffee and watched an episode of New Girl like I do every morning (I've seen each season at least three times but I still do it, cause it remindes me of LA), then I went to the store and started cooking. I opened bottle of wine - one sip to my mouth - one glass to the soup - one glass to the sauce - one sip to my mouth - ok, two sips. The music was loud. I was playing some reggae, you know - peace&love and bless you style. My memory for song lyrics is ridiculous. I consciously don't even know the song exists but once I hear it, it turns out that I know every single word of it.
So, I was there, in my kitchen, having amazing party with myself as an only guest. I had so much fun and I was truly happy. But getting sober was pretty fast and pretty painful.
At some point I started analizing my life - you know the moment after tipsy euphoria when you calm down a little and begin having all those weird thoughts.
So my refection for today is - I cannot do anything in life. After years of studying and internshiping and all this crap I feel like I can't literally do anything important and profesional and useful. I feel like I'm not smart at all, I have no talents, I'm not good at anything - I mean really good. I can do some things but I'm not good at it. And I've been thinking, what am I gonna do in life and I'm really scared. It's not like I don't have any dreams or ambition, I'm just scared I'm not good enough for even getting a chance to try. And I don't know what to do with. I'm fucking 24. I can't just start over. I should start building my future on what I have right now.

So... the perfect begining of the day ended up with me selfpitying. I shouldn't have stopped drinking.

Day 2 of freedom tomorrow. Mission: ending up my social death. 

 

This is it.

Yep.
Here we go!
This is as spontaneous as it can be.
It just came to my mind 3 minutes ago, the idea to start this blog so -
I follow my... whatever it is. mind? heart? intuition? It doesn't matter, I'm following it right now!

So, this is the beginning BUT it might be the end as well.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't want to write. It's just - I'm pretty bad at keeping my resolutions. And I'm really lazy. Like - you know the feeling when you have some days/weeks off and you can catch up with friends, exercising, taking care of your skin or nails or whatever. Yeah, the only thing I catch up with is new episodes of tv shows.
Well the truth is I have some things going on but there's one single VERY important thing missing - the deadline. And that is why my life is falling apart.

But maybe with this, another blog of mine, I'm going to be more disciplined and strict for myself. (no, I don't think so).
I'm gonna give it a try tho. (I have some serious problems with this word, I have no idea how to spell it. I looked it up thousand times.)
What's the point? I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe it will change my life one day. I keep my mind open.

You might have noticed some frustrating gramatical/linguistic incorrectness. I apologize for that. I blame Poland. 
Hope to be back very soon.
XOs
K.